You know when everyone gets together, talking about their achievements, plans for the future, etc. When that happens, suddenly I feel like I have been inside a shielding bubble and that I only got out to hear everyone else’s successes. It’s enough torture that you already know nothing interesting is happening in your life and hearing someone else talk about their triumphs is already suicide.

It sucks when life gives you an opportunity and you expect so much of it only to find out it’s not what you expect, and you’re stuck in the same place where you were before. I hate being left out. I don’t like it when I see people (acquaintance, close friend, family, stranger, etc.) where they want to be, the complete opposite to where I am. It’s not because I don’t want them to succeed, maybe it’s just because I can’t seem to believe that life is different for everyone else. And that the time frame between two people is different.

Lately, I have been feeling quite pensive as to where I am heading to. There is no guarantee, indeed. And it’s another thing that I hate. I despise uncertainty. (The only ironic thing is that no matter how I dislike it, I am looking very much to the future. I am so much of a dreamer and a realist at the same time.) I watched the film “Small Voices” and it made me think a lot about my future.

(photo via)

You know, Literature isn’t the first course that comes to your mind if you want an immediate job after college. Which is why my parents and relatives asked me to rethink my preferences before I enrolled. I am stubborn when making decisions because I know there is something that I really, really like and I’d push through with it. Halfway through the endeavor, I start to doubt myself.

The exact same thing is happening to me right now. I know of the economic divide in society and I know where my family stands. But I have never been more aware of it until recently, in college, when I am forced to think of my future and what I will be doing.

A lot of students pursue college because they want to provide for their families. I am no different. The reality of life, of college, of being a Literature student is that you don’t get picked out right after graduation. There are even the odds of being forced to take a different path just so you can provide.

I don’t want that to happen to me.

Yes, I do, because there is something that I am praying hard for. It’s something that I would really like to happen. Before that, I really thought all possible doors were already closed and that I have no more chance of achieving a dream. But this morning, my mom and I discussed it and she told me something which lifted my spirits a bit.

No, my dream did not come true, yet. But there is a possibility if I work hard enough for it. Suddenly, everywhere I go, I see signs of me pursuing my dream, not quitting. It’s as if the universe is conspiring something big which will either be to my biggest delight or to my biggest heartbreak yet.

Despite everything that I am going through, one thing is clear. That I cannot just quit on my dreams. The front door may be closed, but the back doors are always opened.

The start of second semester was overflowing with surprises (here and there). I have a classmate who did not come back and I really miss her so much. It’s safe to say that she’s the person I was most close to during the previous semester. So I miss our trivial chats and our budding friendship. Oh, how I really wish she’d come back.

My schedule is not as perfect as I hoped for but there are three half-days that make up for the three 7.30 classes that is mandatory (Physical Sciences and Theology). My block has had three Theology classes and I have been late twice already. Today was the third day and, thankfully, I was not late.

Every subject of mine has been upped one notch higher. We’re starting on writing research papers for my Comm Arts 2 subject (and I personally think my professor’s continuous rants about everything under the sun is irrelevant to me and my classmates’ goal of maintaing our QPAs).

At the same time, I have completely underestimated my Theology 2 subject. I thought it was just as simple as reading various materials, researching, and reciting -just like what I did for my Theo 1 subject. Clearly, I was wrong. It was even more than that. There is now an integration of Geography and Secular History seeing as we are discussing the New Testament of the Bible and it’s main focus is the life, words, and works of Jesus Christ and we are trying to prove that Jesus is indeed a historical person. Last night was spent understanding (a little bit) of Ancient Palestine and its religions. Furthermore, familiarizing myself with the maps and trying to figure out what is its equivalent in today’s times.

Personally, I think I’m going paranoid/neurotic with all these crap about me being busy. Because, right now, there really isn’t much task expected of me and yet, I feel like if I don’t do something, I’m going to crack open into two. I guess I am terrified by the possibility that I am not going to be able to handle the workload or that I am not prepared enough for what might happen. I have heard of students in their final year not making it onstage and as harsh as it may sound (to them), I do not wish to end up with the same fate as them, because, in a serious note, I know how much my parents have sacrificed and how much effort I have put into making it this far and I refuse to just let this be put to waste.

Meanwhile, I think I am developing a certain fondness for a boy from the Music department. I’ve seen him first last September when my friend and block mate, Mary, was playing teammate to him at a Table Tennis match. He’s very tall, fair-skinned, and could pass for a Spanish decent (or at least I think he really is of Spanish decent). You know what’s the catch? He can’t dance which is a complete irony to my last fling. I’ve seen his moves during last sem’s Aero-Dance challenge (mandatory for all freshmen PE classes) and he’s basically on the bottom of the dance floor food chain, if you know what I mean. Last Monday, on my way home, I was pretty much astounded (and pleased) when I saw him ride the same LRT train that I do, get-off at the same station that I do, and again, ride the same MRT train that I do. Coincidence or no coincidence, my innate, discreet, budding stalker skills is coming out of the hatchet and is once again creeping up on me. I am looking forward to seeing more of him, really.

And, after so much anticipation, I have finally watched (500) Days of Summer. To be honest, I never expected to be as speechless. In my subconscious, I was actually expecting that I would be able to come up with a really moving, heartwarming review. Only, I didn’t. However, I was able to draw relevant and significant (at least to me, anyway) conclusions after watching the movie.

First, even though I do not admit this upfront, I don’t know what love is. But I needn’t lose hope, because the next 500 (or 600 or so) days is always a new opportunity to know more about it. And though it is confusing and it gets hurt so many times, yes, eventually we’ll lose ourselves but we’ll  always come back to who we are before. Only, better.

Second, is that I have now realized that I am not ready for a real relationship just yet. Teenagers have a habit of jumping into possibilities including young relationships. There have been a number of opportunities for me to jump in that same pool, too, nevertheless, I always find myself hesitant and fearful. I am thankful that I have watched this movie, otherwise, I would not have learned so deeply that you really needn’t come to love for love comes to you. Yes, in many ways it does not seem sensible but allow me to quote that particular moving line of Summer: “So… what if I’d gone to the movies? What if I had gone somewhere else for lunch? What if I got there ten minutes later? It was… It was meant to be and I just kept thinking, Tom was right.” I think and, in a way I know, that what fate has decided to be together, will eventually be together. And two things not meant to be together cannot be forced together.

Third is that love really works around happiness. Tom was very happy being with Summer and he failed to notice if the feeling was mutual. Our happiness is probably the most essential tool in generating love, so powerful that it could make you forget. It came  a time in my life when I realized that as much as I loved someone, I was afraid, too. And since I fear, I was not happy enough to keep the love going.

And finally, as much as the romanticist in me detests it, it would really have been better if Tom Hansen and Summer Finn did not end up together. Otherwise, the movie would not have made the same impression on me as it did. And, I probably would not have come up with these conclusions.

I know I have droned on and on about so many things, irrelevant when put together in one blog entry. But please, allow me to share my most favorite dialogue from the movie.

Summer: I just woke up one day and I knew…
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.
Tom: You know what sucks? Realizing that everything you believed in is a complete load of bullshit. It sucks.
Summer: What do you mean?
Tom: Aaah… you know destiny… soul mates… true love and all that childhood fairy tale. Nonsense. You were right, I should have listened to you.
Summer: No… (smiles)
Tom: Yeah, what are you smiling at?
Summer: Tom… (laughs)
Tom: What? Why are you looking at me like that?
Summer: (laughs) Well, you know, I guess it’s cause I was sitting at a deli and reading Doreen Gray and a guy comes up to me asks me about it and now he’s my husband.
Tom: Yeah, and so?
Summer: So… what if I’d gone to the movies? What if I had gone somewhere else for lunch? What if I got there ten minutes later? It was… It was meant to be and I just kept thinking, Tom was right.
Tom: No… (smiles)
Summer: Yeah… I did (laughs) I did. It just wasn’t me that you were right about.

Meanwhile, I go and contemplate on the recent happenings on Stairway To Heaven since it’s now the only Filipino drama that I watch. As very far-fetched it may seem, there is something that I enjoy about it.

Maybe because I have a thing for carousels.

I was finally able to watch Leighton Meester’s (feat. Robin Thicke) music video of the recently released “Somebody To Love”. And my oh my, I did not think I was expecting for a shocker.

Upon hearing the song, I thought that it’s good that the song has a catchy melody. Beyond that, I think it’s just repetitive and slowly becoming annoying. The first part of the lyrics was okay but all-in-all the lyrics was not so well-written as with her previous songs (“Good Girls Gone Bad” with Cobra Starship and her other leaked songs). And Leighton’s voice is just so freakishly dark it didn’t sound like her.

Now that I have found out about the video (thank you, Twitter), I immediately watched it, thankful that I can finally publish the review that I have been planning for in a long time.

The video is not as Leighton-y as I hoped for. The kissing, gripping, sexy outfits, and other sexual undertones (plus the too much make-up) did not do any good to her. Is it me or is Leighton Meester slowly turning into a Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera? Hopefully not. I can only imagine what Blair Waldorf would say if she sees this. I wonder what Sebastian Stan thinks about Leighton-gone-bad. Hmmm.

I am being honest here and let me tell you, I wasn’t really that excited when my aunt invited my family to watch. Everyone in the family is, but me. I am not the biggest Michael Jackson fan, though I listen to his songs every once in awhile. Out of the many MJ songs, the famous “Thriller”, “Rock With You”, “Billy Jean”, “Beat It”, and “Heal The World” are the only ones I know. I didn’t even know “Human Nature”, “I’ll Be There”, and “Smooth Criminal” were his only after watching the movie.

All my life, I had known Michael Jackson to be one famous personality that the generation before me so greatly admires. I know him because his songs never fail to put my mom in a sing-dance happy mood while listening to the radio on car drives. I know him because of his famous moonwalk that I can never, after so many attempts, imitate. I know him because when I was younger, I thought he looked really scary. I know Michael Jackson because I learned the song “Heal The World” for a school performance. I know Michael Jackson as the King of Pop, and only as the King of Pop. The sad thing is, I didn’t know why he was the King of Pop until only after this film. And, on an even sadder note, none of my previous knowledge of the great performer could have prepared me to the sentimentality and emotion that I felt watching the This Is It documentary.

Yes, it is sad. Sad that I only got to know Mr. Jackson after his death. Sad that I only now appreciated the songs in which he put so much of his heart and soul into. The previous Michael Jackson persona that I have gotten to know earlier on was nothing compared to the Michael Jackson I admired in the two-hour special.

In This Is It, I was finally able to see MJ for who he really is. A performer with so much dedication, passion, vigor, and fire. A man with so much talent and heart. His presence onstage is so right enough to make the whole world watch him in awe. His artistry is overflowing, we can only hope to attain so much. Many people would already have made reviews about his last performance and, as I believe, I’m lacking originality when I say that he really is that fantastic/awesome/brilliant/great.

You know how I believe that everything happens for a reason. And I figured, there must be a reason why I had to watch him. Lately, I have been feeling irrelevant, incompetent, and inept a person could be. I am thankful that I watched the movie because Michael Jackson made me realize that there is never nothing more in all of us, that we can and we will, and that dreams could turn into reality if and only if, like Michael, we give our heart into it.

And then it hit me! How extraordinary! How one simple email of a newfound friend, a knowledge of who she is, a deeper look into her life could give me a brilliant idea. I now have an idea for the novel. Though as much as I would love to start now, I think that it’s just plain cheating.

So here I am, wide awake in the middle of the night (it’s 2AM), typing words for the sake of typing words, fearing the storm would advance while my family and I are tucked in bed, but even more, fearing my idea for the novel would be ineffective, useless, futile (my favorite word alongside ‘just,’ if you have noticed).

I also had another brilliant conversation with another friend. I have not seen her in more than a year. Oh, how I terribly miss her. Her voice, and our conversation, reminded me of my 14-year-old High School self. Our witty, three-hour conversations by the phone, the juiciest piece of gossip that we share, and even our undying devotion to Adam Brody.

Raïssa and Clarise, thank you for making my evening.

Edit: Happy Halloween!

For some reason, I am looking forward to watching the now-defunct, critically-acclaimed show Sex and The City.

It all started when an online buddy of mine, Salutbelle, told me to watch the movie. And like every film on my list, I simply looked forward to the day when I would finally watch the movie given a free schedule.

For some strange reason, fate lent a hand and I was able to watch the movie on HBO last Saturday. I didn’t mind, yet I didn’t assume any significance just yet. Neither did I when I watched it for the second tame last Wednesday night.

It was only now that I finally realize that fate must be sending me a very important message. Flipping through channels prove it’s usefulness every once in a while. For if not, I would not have found out that HBO Asia will soon air SatC every Wednesdays. I am more than just optimistic! I am absolutely hooked! So far (based from the movie), Carrie and Charlotte are my favorite characters.

As of the moment, I have downloaded the High School workbook to aid me in my preparation for November 1. I was writing and answering everything smoothly until I arrived at the horror that is page 15: “Creating The Conflict”.

This has always been my problem beforehand, which probably explains why I never got the round to completing my short stories. I am always okay with the characters and everything else. However, when I arrive at the conflict, I always run out of ideas. It’s usually because someone has thought of the idea before I realize. Or because I think that it is just so weak.

I really want to win this. I want to win that glorifying badge and checking everything on my printed NaNoWriMo calendar. If it happens, this would be a first time feat. I am excited and afraid at the same time.

6 days left until NaNoWriMo officially starts, I’m about to go and grab myself some hot chocolate, thinking, I can’t be left like this. The worse thing that would happen is me panicking.

(screenshot from Candymag.Com)

My first byline and I screamed. Seriously. I opened the Candy website to find my first Candy byline ever. It was short and I did not own the entire byline, but still, my name was on the website and I feel so proud. It wasn’t my first article for the magazine either, but it was the first one that got published. I wasn’t even expecting it would be out already.

Some people would think writing for a magazine does not amount to writing for a newspaper. I think people just really have different views. Journalism is multifaceted. You can’t undermine one facet for the sake of another.

Regardless, I am very happy. Still, there is more to come in December (and the months to come). You can visit the website and read the entire write-up here.

Like last Saturday, for example, I learned that just because About This Mac says I have Mac OS X Version 10.6.1 does not mean that Snow Leopard’s a big pain in the ass and I didn’t really have it installed. When the truth is, Mac OS X 10.6.1 is another term for Snow Leopard. Fantastic!

Or like last Tuesday, when I was wondering why I didn’t have as much Photobooth effects as the one that the Manasan’s have. My first conclusion was maybe because they have the Pro and I don’t. Only to find out, from trusty Google, that it is because I didn’t have the extra Photobooth effects installed. So then, I installed it myself.

I even remember at how astonished I was when I found out I can use four different clocks on my dashboard, all indicating four different timezones from all four of my favorite places (Manila, New York, Paris, and London). Efficient!

Furthermore, minutes before this entry was conceptualized, it became known to me that the “Apple” in the dictionary meant to explain Macintosh terms. Beforehand, I thought it was an even better dictionary that you can only access if you’re online, when really it’s so very different.

Silly me. Amazing as it is already now, there are still a lot about my Apple Mac that I haven’t learned yet. I’m looking forward to really getting the hang of it, since I know it will only make my use of the Mac more efficiently. Until then, I’m loving Leighton (even though it’s all but a month since my purchase and there are already new MacBooks out in the market which I am slightly itching to have).